Finals Coming!

Finally, I'd finished the last class of the semester (with the exclusion of co-curriculum ) today. I'm so happy now. But, on the other hand, I feel kinda sad about it. The feeling has been mixed and irony. On one hand, I'm glad that the class finished. But, it means that this semester is almost over. I'll only have another semester left. I just could not describe the mixed feeling now. I think most of the near-graduating seniors would understand what I was talking. I used to have a person who was so closed to me that I can share everything and talk everything to. But, now the person is gone. I suddenly started to miss this person again.

I feel much relaxed as the classes are finished. But on the other hand, finals is coming~~~ Headache... Nonetheless, I have to start doing my revision now and also to prepare to do my last assignment which I presented today. The presentation was ok. Not really a good presentation which impressed my lecturer. But, it's a learning process which I learnt things that never experienced before. The high standard set by my lecturer improved my standard and knowledge drastically. Thank you, Dr. Edmund. :)

I'll start doing my revision tomorrow (23/10/2008), I promised!!! Aza-aza Fighting!!

P.S. there's a high possibility that there'll be a fire drill practice in my college today... The operation should start at 2am later... Haiz... Cant sleep again...

Presentation

Phew... Finally, after 2 weeks of scrutinized preparation, I'd finished preparing the presentation of my research in the ethnicity paper. The question is about generational change of the descendents of migrants correspond with identity transformation in Malaysia and U.S. Even though it's just a piece of academic essay, but due to the high expectation from my lecturer, it's like writing a thesis!!! Nonetheless, I still enjoy doing the research because it helped me to gain more knowledge as I'm "forced" to read a lot of materials...

Well, when I was doing this research, an idea come across my thoughts. I was thinking whether should I write a thesis in my final semester. The current accumulation of my credit hours is sufficient for me to graduate even not producing a thesis, but I think otherwise. I feel like there's something missing in my undergraduate life if I do not produce a thesis of my own. But, I must consider the papers that I'll be thinking for my final semester. All the papers that I'll be taking are "Killer Papers" which drag the CGPA of most of the students. Erm... I must really take a serious consideration about it...

This semester is a bit different with my previous semesters. It's a bit compact. Time seems like not enough for me to study and do my revision. The finals is coming soon, my first paper would be on 8th Nov, but I'd not even start doing my revision yet. I still have a last assignment which I must complete. Maybe it's due to the high expectation of myself as well as from the lecturers on the quality of academic essay plus the personnal problems that I faced earlier. Maybe these issues took me some time to solve before I can really focus in preparing for my finals...

Well, I gotta prepare for class now. My class is at 12pm later and my presentation would be at 3pm later today. Wish me the best of luck lar.. :)

P.s. I couldn't sleep well again... My "beloved neighbour" who stay a floor beneath me caused me lots of troubles. They kept on creating noises even though it's late at night... It's so suffering for not having enough rest... :'(

Stil cant let go...

Today, I met with X... This is perhaps the 1st meet up in the recent 3 weeks. And, sad to say... I still cant let go of X... The feeling is still there... I'm still very much concerned and in love in X... I would think back all the sweet memories we had, as well as the bad moments...

I'd never think that I would be meeting X today as I never planned to do so... But, maybe it's God's arrangement that we met up... I was supposingly doing my assignment in the library during that hour... But, the library was closed due to the celebration of Raya Feast among the staffs... It was closed from 12.30pm - 2.00pm... Thus, I went to other place to study... When it's approaching 1.20pm, X walked pass in front of me, just straight in front of me, unexpectedly... She smiled at me, but I was not able to give any response because I was focusing in reading... But, soon after X disappear in front of my eye-sight, my focus swayed away from the book... I was thinking of X again!!! and, I was expecting X's msg!!! Suprisingly, X texted me and asked me for a lunch... But, of coz I rejected the invitation because I'd taken my lunch... Plus, I dun think I'm ready and prepared to meet up with X and behave like a normal friend... And I would like to apologize to X, if X is reading my blog, for being a bit lack of manners...

Our text conversation was short... It's only a few messages... She told me that she cant return home in the coming 1 & 1/2 months because of the finals and the replacement classes during the study break... I'm glad to hear that, because X can finally be independent and grown up... She can now justify what's important and what's best to her... I thought of the previous semester when we were studying together in the library and preparing for the finals... The memories are still there... And, it'll never be taken away nor diminish... It's like just happened yesterday... Despite all that good memories, I don't think that I'll be able to study with X again... I still can't overcome it... If I get too close with X, the feeling of love would appear again, and in the end, both parties suffer... I don't want that to happen again...

I told X about my plan to further my studies abroad... I still can't confirm with it as I need to consider many aspects... But I must admit that I'm really taking a serious consideration about the options available for me after graduated... And, another major factor for me to take such an initiative is that, I hope to forget all the bad things in Malaysia... I hope that I would be able to find a new leaf in a new environment... I can honestly share with my friends: I've lost my faith in relationship... I don't know when only I'll be able to overcome it, but I know it'll take time... I'm afraid of being hurt again by love... I realize that "Love's so Hurt"... But, is it really the way love should be? I doubt that...

I still cant get rid of X... Maybe, it's still not the time... O Lord, I'm sorry... I failed the test... I don't know what to do... Please grant me strenght and wisdom to walk my future path... Lord, send me your holy spirit to lead me and guide me... Thank you, Lord...


p.s.: I think I get food poisoned again... My stomach has not been feeling well since afternoon, and I just vomitted the lunch I took... I'm very suffering now... Can't eat and can't digest food... :'(

家好月圆

I just finished watching this exciting and nice drama, 家好月圆, not long ago. Am I a little bit outdated? Haha... I found out that this drama is interesting because I could see some link between the drama and me. And also, something that I aspired for most of my life, but are also the dream that never fulfilled for me.



When I watch this drama, the thing that impressed me the most was the togetherness of the "Gam" family. I love to watch their JoBao play with them. I love to watch the children playing among each other. Even though they had undergone lots of tests and trials, but they never lost the family value. Although JoBao did something wrong in the pass, but he's brave enough to admit his fault and rectify the mistakes. And, what catches my eyes was when he said that even though he and HorMa divorced for 10years, but the children are still his kids. The blood-ties could not be cheated and separated. Unfortunately, people who my history knows that I don't have a good father. I jealous "Gam" family. I love to have JoBao as my father. And I also love to be part of the "Gam" family.

The second thing that caught my attention was the triadic relationship among GuanJiaZai, YuShuChiew and Dr. Ling. The situation is so familiar. I do not know I'm in which position, but what I've learnt from the drama is ---- never involve in any triadic relationship. No matter under what circumstances, triadic relationship is damaging to ALL parties. And the situation like the ending of the drama rarely occurs. I'm not saying that it'll not have good ending, but the probability is so low that it is too risky to try. I'm a living example. I regretted to involve in a triadic relationship. It hurts ALL parties. Well, go back to the topic of 家好月圆, there were many scenes and dialouges that were so familiar. These are very much the deepest thought from the bottom of my heart. That's why, I'm so attracted to this drama because it's like reflecting my story.

Lastly, I would like to wish my friends 家好月圆 and also being able to find your destined partner. I always believe that family ties and love are the 2 best gifts and presents from God. Hope that my friends will cherish the greatest gifts. God Bless~~

Friend or no friend?

It's 12.55am, and i'm still awake. I just had a shower after came back from futsal. And my mood is very down and depressed now. Once again, I'm thinking of X again. I'd told myself to let go, but it's a really painful and suffering transition. So, I'd decided to write this blog. I do not know whether X will read my blog or not, but, it does not matter anymore. It's the feeling of my heart which I think I should write it down and share with my friends. I hope that this blog will provide some food for thought to my beloved friends.



Just not too long ago, I shared with a close friend of mine. And we talked about this issue of whether we can befriend with our partner after break up. My instant reaction was a "Yes". I thought that why should we be so cruel to our ex-partner even though we could not be together. I believe that we could still be our friend even though we could not be together. However, my friend's answer was the opposite of mine. I could not agree with him by then. And I just could not understand his reasons.



But now, after I experienced the situation myself, I can finally understand why my friend said so. Now I realized that it is not a decision of choice. It's not whether we want to befriend with our ex, but it's a matter of whether we can befriend with our ex. Why whould I said so? I have to keep myself distant from X. Because when I'm close to X, I just cant let go. I could not stop myself from concerning about X. I could not stop myself thinking of X. I could not stop thinking of reaching X and hold X's hand again. I just could not stop myself. In order to stop all these and not to give fake hope to each other again, I choose to distant myself from X. I do not mind even it is a ultra-normal friendship, but, I just do not want to hurt each other again.



My friend who knew my situation recently asked me about the details of my split. But I did not share with them. Because I do not want to reveal the things and afraid that some unexpected side effects would occured. I had a bad experiece, and I do not want it to happen again. My friend might said that I'm overprotecting X, keeping all the sufferings myself. But, it does not matters anymore. I know what I'm doing. I would rather choose to hurt myself than hurting X.



If, I'm given another chance, whether would I choose to start it again in the beginning, I would choose "Yes". Because I treasured the good and sweet memories we had together more than the bitterness. I opted to keep the good things in my heart. Instead of hating X for all the bad things, I choose not to do so. Because I know that to hate a person is a painful matter. However, if I'm asked whether would I be together with X again in the future, I would say "No". Because I dare not to trust in X again. I'm afraid that I would be hurt again in the future. I prefer to keep the good impression I have about X now rather than spoiling it by choosing to be together again in the future. I would not do so.



And I realize something which is true. "The person beside us is normally not the person we love most". And "Love is not about getting the equal share of the effort we'd put in". I believe it is true. Love has never been fair. Being committed does not guaranteed success in the love. I experienced it myself. I meant what I'm saying.


X, I always give you suprises and small gifts to cheer you up. And now, I'm giving you the final "suprise" and "gift", by choosing to let go completely. I pray that you'll be able to find someone who is way better than me and worthy to your love. All the best in everything you do. May God bless every path you'll take in the future.