Stil cant let go...

Today, I met with X... This is perhaps the 1st meet up in the recent 3 weeks. And, sad to say... I still cant let go of X... The feeling is still there... I'm still very much concerned and in love in X... I would think back all the sweet memories we had, as well as the bad moments...

I'd never think that I would be meeting X today as I never planned to do so... But, maybe it's God's arrangement that we met up... I was supposingly doing my assignment in the library during that hour... But, the library was closed due to the celebration of Raya Feast among the staffs... It was closed from 12.30pm - 2.00pm... Thus, I went to other place to study... When it's approaching 1.20pm, X walked pass in front of me, just straight in front of me, unexpectedly... She smiled at me, but I was not able to give any response because I was focusing in reading... But, soon after X disappear in front of my eye-sight, my focus swayed away from the book... I was thinking of X again!!! and, I was expecting X's msg!!! Suprisingly, X texted me and asked me for a lunch... But, of coz I rejected the invitation because I'd taken my lunch... Plus, I dun think I'm ready and prepared to meet up with X and behave like a normal friend... And I would like to apologize to X, if X is reading my blog, for being a bit lack of manners...

Our text conversation was short... It's only a few messages... She told me that she cant return home in the coming 1 & 1/2 months because of the finals and the replacement classes during the study break... I'm glad to hear that, because X can finally be independent and grown up... She can now justify what's important and what's best to her... I thought of the previous semester when we were studying together in the library and preparing for the finals... The memories are still there... And, it'll never be taken away nor diminish... It's like just happened yesterday... Despite all that good memories, I don't think that I'll be able to study with X again... I still can't overcome it... If I get too close with X, the feeling of love would appear again, and in the end, both parties suffer... I don't want that to happen again...

I told X about my plan to further my studies abroad... I still can't confirm with it as I need to consider many aspects... But I must admit that I'm really taking a serious consideration about the options available for me after graduated... And, another major factor for me to take such an initiative is that, I hope to forget all the bad things in Malaysia... I hope that I would be able to find a new leaf in a new environment... I can honestly share with my friends: I've lost my faith in relationship... I don't know when only I'll be able to overcome it, but I know it'll take time... I'm afraid of being hurt again by love... I realize that "Love's so Hurt"... But, is it really the way love should be? I doubt that...

I still cant get rid of X... Maybe, it's still not the time... O Lord, I'm sorry... I failed the test... I don't know what to do... Please grant me strenght and wisdom to walk my future path... Lord, send me your holy spirit to lead me and guide me... Thank you, Lord...


p.s.: I think I get food poisoned again... My stomach has not been feeling well since afternoon, and I just vomitted the lunch I took... I'm very suffering now... Can't eat and can't digest food... :'(