Friend or no friend?

It's 12.55am, and i'm still awake. I just had a shower after came back from futsal. And my mood is very down and depressed now. Once again, I'm thinking of X again. I'd told myself to let go, but it's a really painful and suffering transition. So, I'd decided to write this blog. I do not know whether X will read my blog or not, but, it does not matter anymore. It's the feeling of my heart which I think I should write it down and share with my friends. I hope that this blog will provide some food for thought to my beloved friends.



Just not too long ago, I shared with a close friend of mine. And we talked about this issue of whether we can befriend with our partner after break up. My instant reaction was a "Yes". I thought that why should we be so cruel to our ex-partner even though we could not be together. I believe that we could still be our friend even though we could not be together. However, my friend's answer was the opposite of mine. I could not agree with him by then. And I just could not understand his reasons.



But now, after I experienced the situation myself, I can finally understand why my friend said so. Now I realized that it is not a decision of choice. It's not whether we want to befriend with our ex, but it's a matter of whether we can befriend with our ex. Why whould I said so? I have to keep myself distant from X. Because when I'm close to X, I just cant let go. I could not stop myself from concerning about X. I could not stop myself thinking of X. I could not stop thinking of reaching X and hold X's hand again. I just could not stop myself. In order to stop all these and not to give fake hope to each other again, I choose to distant myself from X. I do not mind even it is a ultra-normal friendship, but, I just do not want to hurt each other again.



My friend who knew my situation recently asked me about the details of my split. But I did not share with them. Because I do not want to reveal the things and afraid that some unexpected side effects would occured. I had a bad experiece, and I do not want it to happen again. My friend might said that I'm overprotecting X, keeping all the sufferings myself. But, it does not matters anymore. I know what I'm doing. I would rather choose to hurt myself than hurting X.



If, I'm given another chance, whether would I choose to start it again in the beginning, I would choose "Yes". Because I treasured the good and sweet memories we had together more than the bitterness. I opted to keep the good things in my heart. Instead of hating X for all the bad things, I choose not to do so. Because I know that to hate a person is a painful matter. However, if I'm asked whether would I be together with X again in the future, I would say "No". Because I dare not to trust in X again. I'm afraid that I would be hurt again in the future. I prefer to keep the good impression I have about X now rather than spoiling it by choosing to be together again in the future. I would not do so.



And I realize something which is true. "The person beside us is normally not the person we love most". And "Love is not about getting the equal share of the effort we'd put in". I believe it is true. Love has never been fair. Being committed does not guaranteed success in the love. I experienced it myself. I meant what I'm saying.


X, I always give you suprises and small gifts to cheer you up. And now, I'm giving you the final "suprise" and "gift", by choosing to let go completely. I pray that you'll be able to find someone who is way better than me and worthy to your love. All the best in everything you do. May God bless every path you'll take in the future.